Running in Cemeteries

In the last week I've ran through two different cemeteries, on two different runs, in two different states. Neither one was a planned addition to the route, just spur of the moment, "hey, I'm gonna go in there".

I'm not sure why I'm always drawn to them. I remember taking a road trip with my lifelong friend Julie, up the east coast. We must have stopped at like 7, it was like the cemetery vacation. We took oodles of photos, spent hours amongst graves and underground bones. Personally, my plan would be cremation so my intrigue doesn't even translate to my own burial decisions.

Perhaps it's the strong sense of realness I get when entering those iron gates. The neighborhood surrounding them may be paved and decorated and humming with the days activities, but behind those gates are histories, years of sadness and joys and the reality that nothing and no one lasts forever.

Coming up on the big 30, it's beginning to sink in that if I am granted a long life, it's still about 1/3 over. I've been meandering around my 1/3 life crisis the last few months, and I've settled on not trying so hard. The expectations I've set for myself have always been just beyond what I'm doing. To some that might sound healthy, like having goals, striving for something better, but for me it's been hell. I've disliked myself most moments because I've never been good enough, never tried hard enough. I've lived in a constant state of guilt. It's a hidden misery.

I want to be done with that. My prayer is one of release. I want to let God have some room because I'm exhausted.

So, the last few months I've stepped away from my goodwill type of commitments, asking God to place small manageable things in front of me until I can handle re-entering the world of service. Yesterday, running through the cemetery I got a wave of desire to contact the person starting Girls on the Run in Gainesville (www.girlsontherun.com). As I've said before, running has become my form of worship to the Creator, so my hope is that through it he'll keep me balanced. I know what it's like to be unrecognizably depressed, put all your hope in boys, be obsessed with image, and feel like no one understands. Apparently, Girls on the Run works at dealing with those issues that affect so many pre-teens, and they do it through running and healthy lifestyles. Love it!

Cemeteries are alluring, but for now I prefer to run, very much alive, through them, acutely aware of the contrast. I'd like to think those buried there are cheering me on to live and run hard while I'm able.